Anticipating that this particular post would take me awhile to write (2 sick kids at home with me), I had the Dad pull out the coffee maker last night and I programmed it to start brewing me some non-instant coffee at 6:30am. However, my dream of waking up to the delicious smell of Tim Hortons Coffee was dashed when I realized that I’d forgotten to hit the power button… So, at 7:01am I pressed power and watched every drop of that lifeblood brew into the pot.

After the Dad and Peanut headed off to work and school respectively, I drank my coffee, got out my laptop and, while waiting for it to boot up, I went to hang out with the still sick GreenBean and Boo.

I got in some quality snuggles, slobbery kisses, hugs and sneezes in my face. Fun times that last thing. Anyway, once I cleaned my face off and got up, I headed to the table to begin working. Boo accompanied me and proceeded to play his new game of “throw that on the floor 7,000,000,000 times”. I love that game – said no mom ever. With his sweet face as inspiration, I began putting all of the “kidisms” into some sort of order. I hope that I did your kiddos justice! Now, grab a coffee because this is going to be a long, albeit funny, post!

 

The ‘Cringe-worthy, Embarrassing and Loud’ Reader Submissions

Kids are little sponges, absorbing pretty much everything that we do and everything that comes out of our mouths. Anything that involves bodily functions seem to be ingrained into them and has an automatic decibel of a million. These stories had me in tears, especially because I empathize greatly with them!

“My husband did a silent fart that 2 1/2 year old M walked into, says T, a Mom. M proceeds to scream ‘DAD! YOU POOP YOUR PANTS?? DAD! YOU POOP YOUR PANTS? YOU NEED TO GO TO THE POTTY!’ I was dying. Hubby was MORTIFIED.”

Always swell, kiddo. I think that this help explain why parents try so hard, and often succeed, to embarrass us as teenagers.

B runs a home-based business and has customers over pretty regularly. “Like with every new customer, I always wonder how the interaction is going to go because children can be pretty unpredictable. We have a regular customer that is a Veteran. He lost his leg due to an IED in Iraq, and has a metal prosthetic. He also walks with arm crutches to help with balance. The first time he showed up, he was wearing shorts. After he came inside and got settled in a chair at our kitchen table to fill out paperwork, I thought to myself, ‘This is going pretty well.’
Until… my then 4 (now 6) year old walked in. He stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes got wide. His jaw dropped. He then asked the customer, ‘Are you the TERMINATOR?!?!’ The customer was laid back and had an AMAZING sense of humor and he laughed and joked back with my son, but it didn’t make it any less mortifying! Now every time he comes in, he jokes with my son with new outlandish stories as to what happened to his leg to keep him guessing. My son still refers to him as, ‘The Terminator’.”

That is, so far, two-for-two with a mortified parent. Does anyone else see a pattern here? Of course, there is also a crying-from-laughing blogger writing right now, so we’re two-for-two there as well.

Having 3 kids aged 10, 8 and 6, Mom T knows what it is to have her kids say something they probably shouldn’t. Being a teacher, she’s managed to keep her amusement well-concealed until after explanations, reprimands, etc. “Z asked his Zaidie how old he was. Zaidie told him that he was 236. Z turned to me and said ‘Gee, he certainly is lasting a lot longer than Big Zaidie!’

When her middle child, and only daughter, M, discovered the tv wasn’t working? ‘Mommy, the f**king tv is broken!’

Whilst driving, T attempted to watch her language in front of the kids. When faced with a particularly unpleasant driver, she used a fill-in swear word. Apparently this was an effort in futility; ‘Mommy, why did you say sugar?’ asked Z. ‘Instead of sh*t’, answered M.

Then, of course, there is the ever famous mispronounced words category: ‘Cocksh*t!’ requested S”.

Because, who doesn’t want chocolate, amiright?

“Over the holidays we were visiting family, said D, a mom. We were all sitting on the couch and all of the sudden K got very serious and proceeds to tell entire room how ‘Everybody sins’. My cousin jokingly says ‘I don’t sin, I’m perfect!’ K shoots her the dirtiest look ever and goes ‘Everybody sins, especially you!’ Then later as we were leaving, the same cousin was helping us get the kids into their seats. She kissed the twins and told K that she’ll miss her and loves her lots. K looked at her all sweetly and said, ‘I love you too, but sometimes you suck!'”

At least she’s honest???

Here are a few quick ones before we get to Peanut’s most recent funny.

“A says that when her oldest daughter asked if they could get a puppy next Christmas, A suggested a little brother or sister and was met with a prompt, but accurate, ‘Noo! We already have one of those!’

M’s son W is having a *bit* of trouble with the word obsessed these days; ‘I’m so incest with Netflix!’

Little R recently saw the bulge in the front of her daddy, R’s underwear, pointed to it and said ‘Daddy there’s a poop in there!’ We almost lost poor B to that one!

L’s new phrase is *Oh shi#t*. So, says A, she’ll throw her binkie out of the crib and yell ‘Oh sh*t! Fall down!’

C was mortified when her eldest was 2 and told everyone that he was going to his bedroom to ‘Play with his penis’.

Anytime we were late, says L, we’d inevitably get stuck behind a slow-moving school bus. One day, when A was about 3, we see the bus coming and she goes, ‘Ugh! F*%king bus!’

While playing with a food set, M came over and said, ‘Hey mom, want some lunch?’ I agreed that this sounded good, says E, a mom, and he replied ‘Great! There’s the kitchen!’ He was so innocent and perky about it!’ 

As the priest walked down the aisle at church, I shouted ‘Hi G-d!’, said I’s mom, A. As the Mass ended and the priest left the church I declared, ‘I want to say happy birthday to G-d’. We go to church every week, so why he thinks the priest is G-d, I’ll never know.”

While were driving in the car the other day, Peanut says “Ima, I love this song! What is it?” I replied that it was ‘Confident’ by Demi Lovato. “Who?” he inquired. “Ummm… Handy Manny’s girlfriend?” “KELLY?! GreenBean, Kelly is singing on the radio!!!!!!” Whoops! My bad. Apologies to Demi Lovato, but kudos to Wilmer Valderama for voicing such a memorable character!!