Today I did Day 8 of my 30 Day Challenge. It was all about breathing and gratitude. But instead of feeling grateful, I struggled. While resting one hand on my heart and one on my stomach, I did not feel gratitude. No. Instead, with each breath, I felt disgust. Disgust with the amount of excess skin I have there, how far I have to go and the feeling that I will never make it there.   

I am so, so grateful to my body for giving me 3 beautiful children and I know that I’m supposed to find myself to be beautiful because of this, but I don’t. Yes, it gave me 3 children, but my weight struggles started long before I started building my brood.

I was quite overweight when I first had Peanut and started my lifestyle change journey shortly after he was born. I did well then and even better after GreenBean was born. I worked out daily, ate well and stuck with my self-imposed plan.  

This time, though, my body is not bouncing back. Quite the opposite, actually. It does not matter how hard I work, how well I eat or how dedicated I am; my body is still Jell-o. The scale either stays the same for days or goes UP. Yes, up. For multiple days in a row. The tape measure is moving in the wrong direction as well. It is so hard to stay motivated when there are no visible results, no emotional results (because as hard as I try, the visible results play a huge part in the emotional ones) and no physical results. 

When you have spent your entire life overweight, change is hard. Dedication is hard. The fear of failure is a very real thing and it is always with me. However, this is not a pity post. I am going to stick with my challenge and my healthy eating and hope that my heart gets in the game soon, because without feeling good about myself and what I’m doing, there will never be any progress made.

I am not defined by the number on the scale, but I’d like to be motivated by it instead of discouraged. I know that I still weigh far less than I did when I got pregnant with Peanut, but I am still 20lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant with Boo. This is hard to accept and I don’t know how to love a body that I so desperately hate right now. One that I feel is failing me.